


Excuse me?

by McRaider



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angry Evan "Buck" Buckley, Athena Grant and Bobby Nash are Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parents, Bobby asks a question he doesn't want to know the answer to, Bobby wasn't talking about Athena, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Nightmares, Parental Athena Grant, Parental Bobby Nash, Post Season 3 Finale, Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley, Worried Bobby Nash, angry Bobby Nash, worried Hen Wilson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:42:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29050098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McRaider/pseuds/McRaider
Summary: Bobby wasn’t done when he heard Buck’s comment, he wants to make sure this stupid kid realizes Bobby knows exactly who he was talking about who referring to.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 27
Kudos: 304





	Excuse me?

**Author's Note:**

> As mentioned in another one shot I have a LOT of feelings around last season and the start of this one. Right now this is a one shot, I MAY write Eddie's side, but I'm still debating if Eddie is good for Buck because honestly sometimes I think Eddie is genuinely terrible. I love him but I also kind of hate him.

By the time they got back to the fire station, Bobby was so tired and riled up at the same time, he could barely think straight. He kept replaying the scene over and over in his head. How many times did he have to tell this stupid man child in front of him that he meant so much more than just a co-worker, someone who reported to him? And for Buck to go and act like this was about Athena, it was a step too far, and that was putting it mildly. All the anger and fear and resentment of the past year was rushing to the surface and before he could even think, he was calling him out. “Buckley, my office, now,” the tone was stony and all eyes were instantly on Buck, who had been fairly quiet the majority of the ride home.

In Buck’s mind, he assumed this was it, once again Bobby was going to give him the cold shoulder, or worse fire him for insubordination. Buck felt bad for what he’d said, the comment about Athena, he’d known it was out of line, but he was tired of being treated with kid gloves. He knew the job was dangerous and he was willing to take the risks at whatever cost. The sound of Bobby’s office door slamming behind him made him jump and he was instantly stared down with all the ire of a pair of hazel eyes, Bobby only a few mere inches from him. 

“Do you want to die?” Bobby asked, his voice shaking, whether, from rage or fear of the answer, he wasn’t sure, but he did know he was absolutely terrified of that answer.

“Excuse me?” Buck asked, brows furrowing, cocky sure-fire kid gone, instead, confusion replaced him. 

Bobby stepped even closer, stood tall despite being almost the same height as Buck, making Buck feel inches tall in the face of his father or drill sergeant. “Do. You. Want. To. Die?” Bobby asked again, this time the anger was clear, the look of fury in the hazel eyes staring him down, it left Buck wanting to flee in the opposite direction. 

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he managed to choke out the whisper, “No, sir.” 

“Really, could’ve fooled me, let’s do a review shall we? You play hero to some woman who’s been riding around with a dead guy in her windshield the last two days, you stood on top of the firetruck going only god knows how fast—“ 

“That was your idea—“ 

The glare silenced Buck’s response immediately before Bobby continued, “You pushed yourself so hard you got blood clots, somehow you were in the middle of a tsunami when you should’ve been sitting at home. Or how about offering yourself to go down in that well before Eddie, and then hurling yourself at the ground like you were going to be able to dig or absurdly dangerous rescue of the deaf woman—“ 

Buck couldn’t resist, “My attempt saved her life and Hen turned around and did something that would’ve been absolutely illegal if she had failed and you all congratulated her,” Buck snapped in return. 

“I’m sorry, does it hurt your feelings that I don’t tell you good job when you do something stupid or reckless!” Bobby growled in return. “Let me tell you what I see, I see a stupid child throwing himself into whatever dangerous situation he can to prove to everyone else that he’s something special, that he’s got value. And I, for one am tired of it. How dare you throw Athena’s accident in my face, but let me make something crystal clear to you Buckley, I wasn’t talking about her. I am so tired of seeing your reckless and foolhardy stunts put you in the hospital, and if I have to watch you get put there one more time because I could’ve stopped it—“ 

Buck wasn’t sure what he was thinking when he responded, “What? You’re going to hold me back again, not talk to me?” 

Bobby couldn’t ever remember wanting to punch a subordinate more than he ever did right now. He moved around his desk to put space between himself and the point of contention at the moment. “Get out, get out of my face, and get out of my office, and for the love of all that is holy get the hell out of my fire station. If you want to kill yourself, do it on your own time because I am tired of having to see the people I care about suffer!” Bobby was shouting in the end, red-faced, something Buck couldn’t ever remember seeing. Some rational part of Bobby’s brain was yelling at him, telling him you don’t tell someone who’s potentially got a death wish ‘just go do it where I can’t see it’. But Bobby couldn’t hear it over the roar of fear and anger that had been swelling in him for the past year and a half.

For a second Buck considered doing just that, of stepping away and never coming back. But then it hit him, all the hypocrisy of Bobby’s statement. “Care?” Buck whispered chuckling, “You don’t care, when I first got here you were quick to remind me that this was not a family, then you have the audacity to keep telling me it was until suddenly I want nothing more than to get back to my team and then you won’t talk to me, you won’t look at me, hell you barely even acknowledged me except to punish me and tell me what to do? What kind of person says they care and then turns their back on that person the minute they need help? I needed you, Bobby, I _had_ no one. I _have_ no one!” he growled. He clenched his jaw for a minute, “So yeah, forgive me if I’m the person who puts my life on the line so the rest of you don’t have to. Because if you die, someone will notice, someone will mourn you,” his eyes were watering and he silently cursed his emotions. “If I die, no one will miss me. And you can all claim that’s not true but I’ve seen how quickly every single one of you moves on. So yeah, maybe I’m willing to sacrifice myself because it beats the hell out of living around a bunch of people who only care when they have time.” 

Bobby felt his stomach drop with each word the younger man said, there was no question of the indignation Buck was feeling but Bobby heard and saw more. He saw the young man who’d been desperate to fit in somewhere, a young man who, despite knowing his friends and their histories, had never once shared any details about his past beyond a couple of little details. A young man with a world of self-esteem and self-worth issues, and Bobby realized the words he’d said earlier had been far more threatening and dangerous than he ever cared to admit. As Buck turned to open the door to Bobby’s office he was surprised to see it was already open and his three teammates stood just inside Bobby’s office, all but barricading the door. “You don’t think we’d miss you?” Eddie was the one who asked, his dark brows pulled together in confusion. 

Buck scoffed, “Come on, Eds, you’re the one who called me exhausting and told me you all have your own issues. So yeah, clearly you’ll do just fine.” 

Hen looked at the three stunned men in the office who stood around Buck, all gaping like fish who weren’t sure what to say next. Stepping forward, she reached out and grabbed Buck’s hand, before she pulled him into the tightest hug she could manage. Her eyes damp as she finally spoke, “I’d miss you,” she whispered. “I’d miss my baby brother who always has a way of making me smile when I’m upset, stressed, or scared. I’d miss my brother who has the knack for making my children happier than I ever imagined by just being a great uncle and babysitter.” Stepping back she studied him for a minute, “Buck, you matter and I’m so sorry we didn’t do a better job of showing you that lately, but trust me, when you were under that firetruck, all I could think was I’m going to lose one of my best friends and all I can do is stand by and watch.” 

Buck didn’t reply, he just gripped her hand, hoping she knew the feeling was absolutely mutual. The smile she gave him as she stepped back was enough reassurance. Eddie stood beside her and just shook his head, “I’m…” Eddie sighed, shaking his head he turned and left the office, surprising Buck, and the rest of the crew. 

“He cares, Buck, he’s just not great with his feelings,” Hen rationalized gently. 

Buck gave her a nod, but she could tell he didn’t believe that, that it was more about him. Chimney looked at Buck, studying him for a long minute, “Buck, Maddie would be devastated if something happened to you.” 

He shrugged and shook his head, “Not really, she didn’t even need me after the dispatch hostage situation. I stood by just watching. She’s finally got the family she always wanted.” 

“But what about you? You don’t think you fit in there too?” Chimney replied, “I...Buck, I wouldn’t even know Maddie if you weren’t in my life. You don’t think you matter? You sat by my side and kept me alive when I was bleeding out on the ground. Do…” Chim looked down at the ground, chuckling slightly, “I was terrified, Buck. Absolutely terrified, about Maddie being taken and hurt, about dying. The only anchor I had was you. I look forward to the day your sister and I get married and you can stand there with us. I look forward to having a kid so I can drop them off with Uncle Buck and let them be spoiled silly. Buck…” Chimney let out a shaky breath, “I loved you like a brother before I met Maddie, we aren’t a family without you. I’ve already lost one friend I considered a brother, I promise you, losing you would be devastating.” 

Buck remained silent, but he gave Chimney a small smile, Bobby looked at his medics, “Can you guys give us a minute?” 

Chimney and Hen gave Bobby a nod, before glancing at Buck one last time, before stepping out the door and closing it. Bobby rounded his desk to stand in front of the man he considered a son. Taking a slow breath he focused on the best words he could use to convince this man he’d miss him. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck blurted out before Bobby could even begin, causing the older man’s brow to furrow in concern. 

“What for?” 

Buck opened his mouth, but after gaping like a fish for a minute, he just shrugged, letting his shoulders sag. His head hung forward, staring at the ground in defeat, shame coloring his cheeks as he fought against an onslaught of tears. 

Bobby stood there for a minute, still unsure what to say, but unwilling to let the youngest member of his team and his oldest child step out the door. “Buck, please take a seat,” he whispered finally, as he sat in the other chair across from the one he was asking Buck to take. 

Buck paused for a moment, clearly caught between fight or flight mode before he finally moved over to the chair and sat down, rigid as if he was afraid he was going to be yelled at further. Bobby didn’t know about the boy’s childhood, but after hearing some of Buck’s stories, he had a fairly good guess that it involved uninterested parents. He’d tried calling them the first time Buck had ever been in a hospital, only to find the kid didn’t have an emergency contact, at least not one beyond Bobby. 

Bobby could remember wanting nothing more than to beat the hell out of whoever had hurt this sweet golden retriever of a man and caused him to choose a complete stranger as his emergency contact. Briefly, the Captain wondered how had he missed this, how had he missed that for the past three years, neither Maddie nor Buck spoke about their parents, that they never called, never visited? Finally, Bobby knew what to say, and how to say it. 

“Right before Christmas, you told me that I was one of the most important people in your life, and at the time, I was a bit floored…” Bobby paused as he tried to catch Buck’s eyes, but the younger man’s beautiful baby blues were still focused on the floor. Taking a shaky breath, Bobby decided it was time to come clean, well and truly clean. “Evan,” that got the kid’s attention, as his head shot up in surprise, blue eyes watery. “I, maybe better than anyone here, know exactly what it feels like to have someone ripped away from you way too early. I remember the feelings of panic, anger, sadness and hatred at myself forever putting my wife and two kids in a situation that ended their lives. It took me years to start healing from that, and part of that time was spent curled up inside a bottle.” 

“Bobby--” Buck began, but the Captain held his hand up. 

“Let me finish, please,” Bobby continued, “My point is I am all too aware of what that swell of emotions feels like when I’m about to lose someone I love. You’re right, you’re not Athena, and despite what we’ve recently been through and how angry and utterly terrified I was in that moment, she was _not_ who I was talking about.” When the younger man stared at him quizzically, confusion clearly written across his handsome features, Bobby regretted not telling the kid this sooner. “We’ve never talked about that night, I don’t even know how much you remember.” 

Buck scoffed, “More than enough,” he muttered. 

“I’m sorry to hear that, I was hoping you’d been too out of it to remember much. Mind if I tell you what I remember?” 

Buck was quiet for a minute, before he took a deep breath, “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not do it here,” he mumbled. 

Bobby could appreciate that, so he nodded, “All right, then come home with me, let Athena and me tell you from our point of view, please?” 

Buck gave his Captain a hesitant nod, before standing and leaving the office, Bobby was sure the boy couldn’t have moved quicker if he’d actually run. Bobby sighed, he knew this wasn’t going to be an easy conversation he was having tonight, but if it meant sparing the life of someone he loved, he’d do anything to make sure Buck knew his place in this family. 

Pulling out his cell phone, he texted his wife, telling her they were going to be having Buck over for breakfast followed by a conversation. Heaving a sigh, he turned and stood, watching as Buck went to his locker, pulling his stuff out of it. Bobby’s eyes went up to the loft where Eddie was watching Buck like a hawk. He sighed, wondering when those two would ever figure out what everyone else already knew. 

With a deep breath he stepped out of his office and made his way up the stairs, Eddie glanced over at him. Before his eyes swung back to Buck. “What the hell is wrong with me,” Eddie whispered. 

Bobby looked over at Eddie with surprise, but he remained silent, knowing Eddie needed to vent for a minute. Eddie shook his head, “When he was...I knew...I knew what we had when he introduced me to Carla,” Eddie whispered. “It didn’t matter that I was supposedly still married. Here was this wonderful, sexy guy who just understood my needs better than I did and he’d only known me two weeks.” 

Bobby chuckled, “That’s Buck.” 

“I was never mad at him, I was mad at myself, and at Shannon for putting me in this situation. I…” Eddie looked down, “I love him so much, Cap,” Eddie whispered. “And I don’t even know how to tell him.” 

Bobby reached over, gripping the man’s shoulder, “I’d recommend telling him like that, just be honest. Because trust me, that kid loves you right back.” 

Eddie sighed, “I know, but he’s...been the closest thing I’ve had to consistency in mine and Christopher’s life for the past two years. I’m...terrified to hurt him. And he’s clearly been hurt before. I...I almost didn’t survive losing him last year.” 

“Then you need to tell him, Eddie, we put our jobs on the line every single day in this job. There’s always going to be a risk and I saw how he reacted when you nearly died in that hole. Tell him.” 

Eddied pressed his lips together and nodded, “You’re right, I assume you’re taking him home with you to talk some sense into him?”

“Yeah, we gotta talk about a few things.” 

“I’ll talk to him tonight then, text him or something,” Eddie replied softly, “Take care of him, Cap,” Eddie murmured. 

“I will, as long as you promise to take care of him the rest of the time. We need to do better, Eddie. I think we’re the problems in this equation,” Eddie glanced over at his Captain, so Bobby continued, “That kid trusts everyone, loves openly as soon as he’s given the chance to. But it’s clear he’s been burnt.” 

“His parents,” was all Eddie said.

“We know everyone’s story but he's kept it for the past three years that I’ve known this kid. Whatever he went through, he deserves to know he’s loved. The way I figure it, you and I are the two most important people in this kid's world, and we’ve let him down.” 

Eddie 'tsked, “In more than a few ways. I can’t believe I ever called him selfish or exhausting.” 

“That changes today, starting today we earn that man’s love.” 

“Yes sir,” Eddie replied. 

Bobby smiled, giving the man’s shoulder one more gentle smack on his shoulder, before turning and making his way back down the stairs. 

Buck was silent on the ride to Bobby’s house, but Bobby could tell it wasn’t a peaceful quiet, the boy’s figure was rigid, he stared out the window silently. Bobby was worried about the kid, more than he could ever admit, “I know seeing Abby couldn’t have been easy,” Bobby said quietly. 

Buck didn’t look over at him, “It’s fine Cap.” 

The answer told Bobby everything he needed to know, Buck was struggling, his abandonment was at an all-time high after the Red situation, but add to that seeing an engaged Abby. Privately, Bobby cursed the woman, hated her for using Buck and then walking away. Maybe it hadn’t been intentional, but she’d just stopped communicating completely. 

“Buck--” 

Buck looked over at him, “It’s just who I am, no one stays, it’s fine. I get it. Can’t blame her for what everyone else clearly sees.” 

Bobby’s stomach churned, his words echoed in his head again, ‘do you want to die’, Buck had said no, but Bobby wondered if that was true. “Buck, that’s not true,” he offered quietly. 

“Isn’t it? You all have lives, I’ve got nothing.” 

“You have Eddie, and me, and Athena.” 

Buck just shook his head and looked back out the window, away from his Captain. Bobby hated himself for what they’d done to this kid earlier this year. He should’ve made a better decision, should’ve been kinder to the kid. Instead, he’d let his emotions get the better of him. 

Pulling into the driveway, he turned the truck off, and the two men climbed out, heading to the car. Athena was there waiting for them, the door opening. “Harry and May are with Michael for the day, thought maybe we could use some quiet time,” Athena said as she reached out to give a one-armed hug. 

“I can leave,” Buck replied. 

“No you really can’t,” Athena answered as she gently pulled her pseudo-son into the house by the hand. Bobby followed, closing the door behind him. He was surprised to see the table already was set as they went into the kitchen. Silently, Bobby thanked God he had someone like Athena in his life, and that she’d hadn’t been taken so quickly from his life. 

“I’m going to ask you again, Evan. Do you want to die?” Bobby questioned as they sat down at the table. Athena’s eyes were filled with sadness as they both stared at Buck for a few silent and painful moments. 

Buck was quiet, and it felt like it stretched on for ages as Athena and Bobby held their breath, terrified he’d say yes. “I don’t know,” he finally whispered, his voice a bit hoarse from emotions as he looked up. He saw the look of fear on their face and assumed it was judgment, “Look I’m sorry, you asked,” he replied as he got ready to step away, but both Athena and Bobby’s hand shot out, grabbing an arm and keeping Buck in his seat. 

Bobby glanced over at his wife, who looked more serious and worried than he could remember in a long time. Looking back at the kid he’d all but adopted he took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for this conversation. “Buck, I promised to tell you what I remember from that night. Just, hear me out first. Then you can do whatever you want, please?” he requested. Buck only gave him a hesitant nod, so Bobby took a deep breath, before letting it out and he began, “ When I saw you pinned under that truck, I felt like my world, this perfect world and family I’d created with Athena had come to a crashing halt.” Bobby admitted. Buck didn’t reply, just stared at Bobby, confusion on his face. “You have to understand something when my kids and wife...when they died I swore to myself I wasn’t going to let anyone else in. Not ever. It hurt too bad, and for a really long time. I couldn’t risk that sort of pain,” he paused, swallowing past the lump in his throat. 

His eyes looked down at his hand which was still clasping Buck’s wrist. His mouth felt thick with cotton, and his heart was pounding at the memories. But he pushed on, “I admit, by the time you’d arrived, I’d let Hen and Chim in just enough to care, without actually being truly invested. I was a Captain and that’s as far as it went.” Taking a slow breath in through his nose, he looked back up, meeting Buck’s crystal-like eyes. “Bobby Jr was blonde, sweet kid, funny. Full of life, and enthusiasm. He wanted to help everyone. When you walked into my firehouse, it took my breath away, because you could’ve been him if he’d gotten the chance to grow up,” his voice had grown rough, as the tears threatened to fall. “So, I reinforced my walls, and you kept pushing them down, or creating doors and windows where I didn’t have any. Until finally, finally you found me drunk in my apartment and told me something very important.” 

“That’s it’s okay to ask for help,” Buck whispered, his own eyes growing red and damp with tears. 

Bobby nodded, as the first of many tears escaped and made its way down his cheek. He didn’t bother to wipe it away. “Then Athena got in, and Hen and Chim and soon for the first time in almost five years...I had a family, it was a weird and warped family, but here it was. You each gave me another reason to live one more day.” Pausing, he let his mind go back to that night, watching as the kid he’d come to care for, love as his eldest child had been crushed under something and unable to be helped. “I didn’t _just_ step forward to protect and get you help. I stepped forward because the idea of seeing _you_ die...in the middle of the street...watching another,” he swallowed past the lump in his throat, “Watching another one of my kids die while I stood by and could do nothing,” he whispered, as the tears continued to course down his cheeks, “Was unbearable,” he managed to choke as a sob managed to tear it’s way from his mouth. 

Athena, who had released Buck’s wrist by now and was gently gripping her husband’s, spoke as she let her thumb create soft circles over Bobby’s wirst. “Buck, sweetheart. You may not be my baby biologically, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pride every time I hear about something you did, or feel pain every time you’re in danger. Baby, you’re ours. You’ve been ours since before we got married, I think Bobby and I just didn’t know how to tell that to a grown man.” She looked at Buck, who was now crying as well, he would occasionally wipe at the tears on his face. “I know you’re hurting and you’ve been hurting and we haven’t been there as much as we could’ve--” 

“You had Michael and your own family to worry about,” Buck murmured. 

“No,” Bobby replied, his voice firmer now, having composed himself a little, “I mean, yes we did, but Evan, you’re our family too. You want to know why I didn’t let you come back, why I held you back from rejoining the team?” He looked over at Athena, gripping her hand in his, as they both gave Buck tight smiles. “Because I can’t bury another son. I just can’t. So yes, I do really need to know if you’re suicidal, because as your father, biological or not, I need to know what I can do to make this okay.” 

Buck covered his face as he tried not to sob, he felt two strong arms wrap around him, as he was pulled away from the table and against Bobby’s chest. A soft kiss was pressed to the top of his hair and that’s what broke the youngest team member, as he began to weep in Bobby’s arms. 

Bobby, for his part, just held on tight as he felt Buck cry, He let his fingers glide through Buck’s short curls, occasionally gently scratching at his scalp and briefly he wondered if anyone had ever bothered to give this man a hug. Had anyone ever even held him like this? His arms tightened a little, a small keening noise coming from the man in his arms. Grown or not, Buck was still just a kid in the grand scheme of life. He was barely twenty-eight. He was young and already found himself with no parents to speak of, a sister with a life she was building of her own and an overwhelming sense of abandonment. “God kid, please hear me when I say I love you so much sometimes,” Bobby muttered into Buck’s hair, “That I wish I could wrap you in bubble wrap.” 

There was a coughed sob that mixed with a laugh, as Buck looked up at Bobby, then back at Athena. She reached out, caressing his cheek, wiping away a few tears. “Baby, the next time you feel the need to throw yourself into danger to spare us from pain, please consider that any danger you’re in just causes us more.” 

“I was so scared when you were getting hurt,” Buck whispered as he looked back at Athena, still cuddled in Bobby’s arms. 

She brushed his hair on the side of his head and gave him a sad smile, “I’m sorry you have another nightmare to add to the growing pile.” 

“You’re okay, that helps. Sometimes, after a nightmare, I just sit on my phone and stare at your numbers, wondering if I should call,” Buck admitted. 

“Always call,” Bobby told him. “If you’re scared, or panicked or anything, please call. I’d rather be woken up than sleep through the night only to wake up to find you gone, hurt or something.” 

Athena nodded, “I second that, please call. We’re here because we love you baby.” 

End (for now)  
  



End file.
